Lab Rat for a Day

Yes, it’s that time of year again.

I haven’t had my annual in 2 years so I guess it’s now become my every other annual. I feel bad about this. I’m one of those women who fervently believes no matter how poor you are, you still need to have your swoop & scoop. (I need to get a patent on that.) Be it from Planned Parenthood, the health department, or the dark alley behind your house, having your girlie parts checked is essential. Especially if you have girlie parts cancer running around in your family like high fives at a 5k. So I missed mine last year due to the fact that I felt like I was at the doctor every two months for something or another. (Wait! That’s because I was at the doctor or the ER every two months for something or another!) And now I feel guilty about missing out on the wonderful experience that is a KY soaked Platypus all up in my business, mining my cave with lapidary focus and precision.

So, it’s time to go and spread my legs for the medicals. Thing is, I know deep down that something is wrong and I’m freaked out. HIPPA be damned… here are my symptoms over the past couple of years:

• Dizzy spells that are getting increasingly stronger, more frequent and lasting even longer (sometimes hours, which is no roller coaster of a fun time, let me tell you).
• Random fevers that take me down for a whole day. (See this week’s Monday Mosaic.)
• Random nausea.
• Just recently, odd periods. (Like 2 days of spotting and then 2 days of WOAH DAMN! Where’d I put the Super Duper Pluses?) I’ve always been extremely regular and went off BC because it makes me all hungry hungry hippo, so this new development is disturbing. (Not to mention threatening to my wardrobe.)
• Inability to focus.
• Constant headaches. Not like migraines, although I’ve had those too. It’s more like a dull ache, always over my left eye.  It makes me talk funny, sort of like when you’re trying to say a word like flagitious and it comes out all slurred.  I’ll try to have a conversation and literally can’t finish a sentence sometimes. (Ask the people who talk to me on the phone, I sound like a drunken hobo during these conversations.) Also, because I’m not a big fan of taking medicine, prescribed or otherwise (hence the anti-BCP movement) I just leave it alone and figure it will go away. It’s not dehydration because I’ve been diligently drinking water and also making it a point to only drink 2 cups of coffee per day. (They’re big cups, but it’s a step down from the half pot.)
• Low energy. I’ve been napping like a toddler lately.  I am so tired after doing just a couple of tasks and I’m getting my full night’s sleep too! Also, even after napping for 3-4 hours in the middle of the day, I am still exhausted by the time bed time rolls around. I have entered into a state of torpor where my To Do List and my body’s energy stores are not quite on the same plane.
• I’ve had pneumonia a few times in the past couple of years which is why I am terrified of getting a cold.  I know smoking didn’t help that at all.  I’m still having a hard time breathing though.  It’s almost like I have to take a deep breath to feel like I’m not suffocating.
• Weird random ringing in my right ear and I’ve noticed that I can’t hear as well out of that ear either.  I was lying on the couch the other day during my almost nap time and I was on my left ear and couldn’t hear the tv. So I turned it up.  I couldn’t get comfy so I changed sides of the couch and laid on my right ear and had to turn the tv down because it was  so damn loud!  So, my right ear is an elderly woman and my left ear is being sound raped in the process. Sorry lefty!
• My pinkie toe on my right foot is numb.  Not that it has anything to do with anything, but it is and it’s annoying.
• Sometimes, for no reason, my heart will just race. Just out of the blue, it feels like going for a run. That’s not fun when I’m just sitting on the couch reading minding my own business.

I don’t have the best diet, but I do eat a lot of fruits and veggies in addition to all of the crap (read: chip sand cheese). Now that I’m working again, I’m definitely more active but I just feel so blah all of the time.  Like everything is a damn chore.

So it’s time to face the music and go deal with it. I tried WebMD. A word to the wise, don’t do that. They said I have a brain tumor. Gimme a break. I’m so not a hypochondriac, I’m also not naive to the fact that they have to give you the worst case scenario to be a good and noble medical advising site.  But seriously?  I don’t think that I have a terminal illness. I don’t feel like I’m dying, not that I know what that actually feels like, but I know my body pretty well and if this is what dying feels like then I don’t know what everyone is all in a tizzy about.  But for the record, if I am, I’m totally going to laugh like a hyena. That would be absolutely hysterical to me.  Things just get back to great; minimal stress, going back to school, have a job that I love, and surprise! I’m dying.

Enough about death. That’s just silly talk.  There are a whole host of other things that could be happening that are easily situated. Vitamin B deficiency, Positional Vertigo or some other type of Vertigo, Hormonal Whacked Outedness (No, I’m not pregnant, that requires sex and Lord knows I’m not getting any. More about that in another post!), Blood clots (that can be broken up with blood thinners).  The possibilities are endless so I think it’s just better for me to submit my body to the medicals and let them figure it out.  I’m sick of thinking about it and really tired of this headache.  Excedrin never helps because it just comes back so I might as well just tough it out and deal with it, which is what I’ve been doing.  God Bless my high tolerance for pain.

So tomorrow I’ll make an appointment. (By the way, this is all Christine’s idea over at Raised Queer. We’ve been talking about this and she’s right… I need to just do it. Incidentally, you should go read her blog, she’s hilarious and intelligent, which are two great attributes to a great blog.)

Meg (another hilarious blog: 2birds1blog)was talking about her wonderful experience at the doctor’s office the other day which reminded me of this story:

How is it that docs/nurses always find the MOST inappropriate thing to say when they’re doing the most inappropriate things?

I went to my annual swoop & scoop appointment once and whilst spread wide on the table with my feet in the stables, the lady doc says “Wow! Do you wax?”

To which I replied “No! Why?” (looking back this was a bad choice)

“Well, my golly, can you give me some pointers? You did an excellent job!”

(what the fuck lady? what the fuck?)

And then she went on the LONGEST tirade asking questions about what razor I use and “Did I have to sit down?” and “Is there a better shaving cream than the peach scented Gillette?”…tilting her head like a curious child.

Needless to say, I have not been comfortable with doctors since.

I know this is all for a good cause though. The cause being my health, and who doesn’t want that?

So, fine. I’ll go to the damn doctor. I’ll get my insides scooped out and analyzed, I’ll give them my blood and pee in a cup, which is like trying to reset your car’s clock with your fingernail, other tools are required. I’ll list my symptoms like a good girl and not hold back.  And then I’ll report back and let you know that I’m not, in fact, dying.

Fun times are ahead though!  I’m almost done with my FoodFodder and CoffeeTalk pages, I know you’re still salivating, you stalkers.  30 views a day! And all you get is that adorable pink coffee cup. God that must be frustrating. I’m also going to a wedding which I will talk about tomorrow. This thing is making me do a lot of shopping and I am such a failure of a girl when it comes to that subject.  I just hate it.  Trying to fit my great ass and my giant boobs into denim and microfiber push-ups is my own personal brand of torture. Also, shoes. Gawd. When your shoe size varies from 8 to 9 1/2, there’s no online shoe shopping for you which is really quite hazardous to your wallet and your shoe collection.

I’m also planning some self-publishing posts for my week long absence.  One involves Oliver teasing my hair.  You’re going to need some Depends for that.  A forewarning to the masses.  If you’ve seen the Facebook mayhem then you know exactly what kind of treat you’re in for.  If not, well, it’s something to get excited about.

I miss you already.

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