Friday Bride-day! (The Long Lost Rehearsal Post)

Okay, I know I’m a slacker. The wedding was a month ago and I’m just now getting to the Rehearsal Day. Whoopsie Daisies. Thing is… sometimes blog inspiration strikes and you just can’t leave it alone. Like… guys who date 100 girls in 100 days. How does one leave that alone? Or… the man of your dreams falls into your lap. Of course I want to talk about that!! You know, being the eternal muse of God when it came to dating and all. I mean hello… there was the demon child and then IBS guy and countless other ass hats that crossed my path and muddied up the waters. So, I’ve been preoccupied. I apologize. You’ll have to excuse my brain at the moment. It’s everywhere but here.

Without further digression, Rehearsal day, otherwise known as Friday, otherwise known as Bridal Party gets pampered day. The good thing about having “The List” for our Bachelorette party festivities was that the morning after was quite wonderful and uneventful. No holding hair back, no Execedrin migraine, and no walks of shame. These are all good and exciting things. We also did not discover any tigers in the bathrooms or babies in the closets, no one lost a tooth or an eye and we were all accounted for. Major plus(es). However, for a bunch of Type A women, we sure were running late and didn’t mind if we did. The twelve of us piled into the car(s) and drove the 3.4 miles to the nail salon to begin our shedding of DNA. I opted to have a parafin dip on my feet because my feet were now officially the size of my upper thighs and that’s not really an attractive bridesmaid look. I also begged for extra foot rubbing, my lady obliged, for fear of losing an eye. (I kicked and giggled a little… I was a giddy five year old wanting a lolli, what can I say?) I also had my nails done and nothing exciting happened there except that I hadn’t had my nails painted in a hot minute and pink was on the menu. Exciting for me, possibly not for you. Missy (yes, the awesome bride) went to my least favorite place on earth and bought us all coffee. It’s my only diva piece. Without coffee I’m a horrible human being. Especially when I’m tired and mildly halucenogenic after being awake for God knows how many days at this point. Other than needing coffee like most people require breakfast, I’m pretty simple. Ok, I also need mascara but that’s more of an esthetic piece for those who have to look at my face everyday. I can’t go around making people think I have cancer. It’s unkind to be deceiving. Although, donations *are* accepted.

So I squashed my (still) swollen feet into my shoes and we went to lunch with the entire bridal party. (This is an important detail to remember for later.) We ate lunch at this asian fusion restaurant just down the street from the hotel and really, it was fantastic. We were all starving by the time we finally we were able to shove food into our mouths since we had just spent 5 hours at a nail salon getting high off the acrylic fumes. I was starting to feel a little funny but just brushed it off and kept plugging along. No time for dizzy spells today. After lunch we straggled over to the hotel to rehearse walking.

There’s a certain kind of ineptitude that you feel when rehearsing for a wedding. First of all, for whatever reason, suddenly you feel as if you’re walking for the first time. You’re also paired with a partner and somehow you need to coordinate this dance down the aisle and I think I checked out after the first round down the aisle. Exhaustion with swollen feet does not allow for extreme concentration. So, I did what any asshole bridesmaid would do, and made everyone laugh. So now everyone was unfocused and wanting alcohol. How kind. I guess I really am the most useful bridesmaid? Round three down the aisle was a particularly interesting one. There were children involved in this charade and they were surprisingly well behaved… except that they were only well behaved when walking down the aisle. Here we are, standing in the hall, waiting for our big chance to practice our brand new walking skills, and all of a sudden one of the small children lets out a death curtling scream. Ears ringing, birds floating overhead and chills running up and down my spine I say (aloud apparently) “Wow, birth control!!” Shortly after, the ranks break and everyone is doubled over in laughter, unable to keep composure for a third round down the aisle. I laughed the whole way through the third practice, BUT I did eventually make it to my spot on the floor.

We’re now cutting it very (too) close to time for the Reshearsal Dinner, we have yet to return to the house for a makeover of a bride and four bridesmaids and apparently a run through the fields to feed the cows. Yes, feed the cows. I did not attend the feeding of the cows, however, Missy and one of the other bridesmaids decided that time crunch or not, the cows would love a little appley snack. I, for one, was not attracted to the idea of smelling of cow shit at a dinner where people were eating. To each their own I suppose. So I went back to the house to begin curling my hair and smelling clean. I was almost done with my hair when all of a sudden a suspicious smell filled the air. Missy wanders into the bathroom giggling “Do I smell like poop?” Yes, yes she sure did. For her own Rehearsal Dinner. This is one of the many reasons I love Missy. I’m down to earth, I really am, but I’m not sure that my comfort level is that of hers, where she feels completely appropriate smelling poopy, I feel like showering is kind of a big to do when eating with others.

"Moo bitches!"

Thankfully, the smell waned and she smelled like a lady by the time we arrived. I got dressed and went to put my shoes on and apparently, my toenails had not dried enough (after five hours) to wear shoes. Fuckshitdamn. I now had two big toes with nail polish pushed over to the side with no time to fix them. Well, hopefully no one will see them under the table (which is where I sat all night to avoid a) feet swelling and b) toe nail havoc). Missy got dressed and I threw her hair up into a French Twist, thankful that I had practiced this art the week before, not a total waste then! We were officially late leaving the house, but have no fear! Car(r) makeovers are here! We showed up about ten minutes late for the festivities, and Missy, by the grace of God, still had two working eyes after I did NOT poke her eyes out in the car applying her makeup. We headed straight to the bar for some adult beverages. Hello!! Open bar! Seeing how the next day was a) The Big Day and b) the day the cake would be removed from its safe place in the refrigerator to venture out into the great big world waiting to destroy it, I was a little bit of a nervous wreck. We had a To Do List about a mile and a half long in the morning and the cake was the first thing on that list. WANTED: Three Adult Beverages. Consumed: Four Adult Beverages! (Wine with dinner, who knew!?)

The dinner was fantastic. We talked, we laughed, we ate delicious food. I took exactly one picture that turned out all wonky. I mean really, I was an epic failure as a photographer at this wedding. I was expecting to come home with a full data card and hundreds of pictures to sort through. I ended up with about forty salvagable pictures, most of which came from the Bachelorette party and unfortunately, those are just not pictures I’m willing to share. So, just picture me looking hot. I know how you like that sort of thing. Ok, hot with cankles and two big toes half painted with pink nail polish. That about sets the stage.

After the Rehearsal Dinner, complete with a funny poem from the brothers of the groom and a photo collage that made Missy blush, we went downtown Ashland to hang out and relax for an hour. I was relieved. I really needed to not think about wedding stuff for a minute. Downtown Ashland is pretty cool really. If you like pot, there’s certainly an abundance here. Also, Jesus sandals are completely acceptable, throw some wool socks on with those bad boys too. Dread locks? Who doesn’t have those in Ashland? I think it might be the official hairstyle. Also, they love tie dye! Luckily for them, they can now replenish their wardrobes without having to pray to the Goodwill gods. Ashland really was beautiful though. I would totally brave the Medford airport to go back and explore a little. Great restaurants, cute cafes, tons of shopping, and some seriously interesting people. Yes Ashland, I love you. The drive down from Portland can’t be that bad though, right?

Here’s my cross to bear. I’m a worrier. I try to keep it under control. The thing was, I wanted Missy to be able to relax, so I took all of the stressy things for her to worry about and put it all in my brain so she wouldn’t think about it. And she didn’t! She was cool as a cucumber through the whole thing. No worries, no stress. Although she claims that she wasn’t stressed at all anyway. (She’s better at being Type A than I am apparently.) At any rate, it was nice to sit and chat and for one hour, just relax and have another adult beverage. We hobbledy hopped back to the car through the bustling nightlife, with swollen painful feet and drove back to the ranch. Missy needed sleep and I knew I would sleep for about five minutes, so the sonner I could squeeze those in, the better. We got back to the house and it was lights out, night night. And then my brain tapped on my shoulder and sleep escaped me. Again.

“Don’t forget to…” “Remember that one time…?” “The cake is going to bounce right off the platter and crumble into five million pieces!” “Hey now! There’s no sleeping the night before a wedding!”

And then the alarm went off… and the big day was upon us. (insert luggage under eyes here)

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